Update

I'm going to leave this project here, where it stands. You get the idea.
Although, I may just post the final in my art blog.

The paper this doll was created on is the smoothest paper I've worked with. It's like butter, and I hope it's watercolor paper and not printmaking paper. It's off-white, which saves me the trouble of having to tint it myself.
I need to take a scrap of it to the art store and see who makes it. It doesn't have a watermark on it. When I find out who makes it, I'm buying a case. At first, I didn't think it would stand up to the paint and would wrinkle, and bend. It did a little but I flattened it. As soon as I cut the parts out, I realized that this may be the paper I need for the final. I'll see, as soon as I assemble everything together.

I'm glad I made a better mockup. This last project took a lot of valuable time away from my other work, but I learned a lot about my process and how I'll end up assembling the finals next semester. I'm sure there is a lot more plotting that needs to be done, but that is also just part of the process.

 

Process 2

Process

I made  a version of the my proposed dolls to present to my teacher last week. He wasn't very pleased about what I brought in.
I'll admit. It didn't look very good, I rushed through it, and wasn't happy about doing it for some reason. So I spent several hours this week working on another mockup for my first presentation on Tuesday.

Speaking of presentation, I'm not as nervous about it as I was earlier last week. Although, I feel like I'm missing out on the artists I should include as inspiration. This is what makes me a little unsure. But we'll see. I'm glad that we have a little bit of time to run through these before we hit the main stage and present to our prospective mentors.

Here's some progress shot of my new mockup. I like her a lot. I'm also learning about how I'm going to put these things together..

First "rough" drawing. Yes, I cut off her head, because I drew her face/head separately and drew the body on a different sheet of paper.

Ink outline applied.

This is the shadow layer.

Joyride

I felt like I was on top of the world, looking forward to getting this project under way, I had my head straight. Then we talked about putting together our presentations, I was afraid. Why? Because I let my fear get in the way. I didn't know what images I was going to use.
Stress greeted me when I woke up this morning... until all of the sudden, ten minutes ago, I had a realization.

I didn't want to do "empowering" project because I didn't think that was my responsability. But maybe it is in a different way. Maybe, by showing what a normal woman looks like (i.e the 6 various body shapes in real form) is what I'm supposed to do. Maybe this project will help me improve my own self image and self worth.

I struggled with making this project about sadness and insecurity, because that is the core of who I am, but I don't have to make my thesis a project on happiness and empowerment, but I can make it a project on acceptance. And that's ok, I don't have to fight it.

We have to find images of artists who inspire us in regards to our thesis. And one that almost instantly popped up in my head this morning was Hilda by Duane Bryer. Maybe I need to explore this further, and include some of my own chubby pin ups.

Yet another blather

I'm here again. Whining about wanting to quit. I'm tired of saying it, tired of typing it. I don't *want* to quit. I  just feel beat down and feel like it's the best option. But I know it's not.

I know that in 8 months, when this is all said and done, I will come back to this post and say "you're an idiot, you should have stopped whining".

I'm mentally beat down, physically ill. Why? Because of stress. I'm stressed that I'm not doing anything right, that I'm going to fail.

Usually I'm OK with failure. I've learned to accept my mistakes as lessons and even have learned to take personal responsibility for my actions.

I'm a quitter. Always have been. When the going got tough, I got going. I've been like this since childhood. Fear of success has held me at bay as well. I know that once I get past the hurdle and the little voice telling me to quit, I'll be ok. But WILL I get there? Will I give in?

I used to be so smart. Witty, on top of it all. The last 8 months, I've felt like my brain is slowly slipping away, and taking my intellegence and perception with it.

I'm so depressed I can't stand it and I don't know what to do about it. Will my therapist even help? Sad thing is, I can't even afford to see her.

I love art. I love illustration. It's the only thing I honestly know how to do. I'm good with numbers (and a calculator) but drawing is where my heart is. I convinced myself to go back to school (and I'm so glad that I did) because I didn't want to be 75 years old and regret not going back and getting my degree. It's taken me over 10 years to get to this point. I can't quit. But it seems the Universe is fighting me, and I don't know how much strength I have to keep going with these odds.

I do feel a little better, but the pressure is getting to me. I'm so afraid.

Possible realization *notes*

Forgive the choppy, rambling nature that this post is.... but it's just a place to take my notes down for now.

Things I'm finding out.
I don't think we should take what society/media tells us about our bodies seriously.

Windows/frames/boxes that the dolls will reside in are a way that media/society says what we should be/what we should fit into. The dolls standing away from the background is my way of saying "NO".

Hinged dolls are representative of the doll. Looks like a doll. Women referred to as "dolls". Body images being compared to Barbie, who is a doll.

Dolls represent childhood and the desire to always be young/beautiful

Exaggerated body shapes say no to standardized body shapes.

Backgrounds will be vintage underwear ads telling us that wearing this garment will make us beautiful. Doll is pushing/standing away from this notion.

I need to stop over thinking this project because it's starting to make me insecure and it's also making it hard for me to focus on what I'm trying to portray. I felt relatively comfortable talking to my instructor about my insecurities, but I still feel a little insecure. My point is apparent, but I think I'm making it have too many tangents.

The Information Superhighway

I'm hoping this blog will help me with my lack of focus. By opening it up to strangers and friends alike, I hope I can get the feedback that I need. Besides, this is fun.
I deactivated my Twitter account a while ago because I wasn't using it and it really didn't have an appeal for me. But I started a new one and encourage people to interact with me.

I know that the title may offend and it also makes me feel exposed. Like acknowleging that I'm fat is supposed to make me scared. But it doesn't. And I'm ok with that.

My thesis is in part, supposed to help me be ok with myself. Fat, thin, and everywhere in between.

I will never be skinny. And that's okay. This doesn't mean that I want to stay where I am now. While I'm not meant to be skinny, I'm not meant to be winded going up a flight of stairs. So while I try to expose how I feel about my body through art, I also want to change my body and take care of this "temple". AND learn to love me, inside and out.
Maybe I'll inspire someone, maybe I'll find more people to inspire me!

So here's to learning!

Right Track?

Since I stood in front of the class to present my mood boards was a total failure, I've begun to wonder if I'm on the right track as an artist, and as a thesis presenter.
What am I trying to accomplish?

I want to make these large dolls in varying "typical" body shapes because they started out as a personal project for me. I wanted to do these for myself. Why?
I don't really know. A lot of my work could be considered subconcious. I make art, and then look at it and say "that has a lot of symbolism that I wasn't aware of while I was painting".
So I'm thinking of why I want to do this thesis.

It isn't to bring awareness of body issues. Women are very aware of this issue. The media is very aware of this issue. I'm not trying to educate with my thesis. I guess that I'm trying to share the feelings women have that have these body shapes. I'm not trying to represent the empowered woman, because honestly, I'm not empowered, as are very few of the women I know.
Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of women who are of the proud belief that "I'm fat, love me as I am" and while I GREATLY admire these women, I am not one of them, and I cannot relate.
This backs up the multi-million dollar weight loss surgery industry. In my opinion, (as someone who would qualify for WLS) there are some instances where WLS has saved lives, but this is not a blog about my opinions on WLS.
I'm really struggling with the "point" of my thesis. I feel like it's staring me in the face, but I'm not getting it.

I love the ads "targeted" to me!

My own struggles of body image by depicting women in various body shapes? No... yes. I can't speak for everyone. Maybe I should do research on more womens issues. *shrug*

First!

A new day, a new post. If you're here, you're interested in what I have to say. If you found me by accident, stick around, you might learn something.

I'll be posting my art process and my learning process. There's a lot to be learned about the human body and psyche. Especially pertaining to the way that we see ourselves.