January 13, 2011

My Confession

Here I am, sitting in between coats of paint thinking.

This isn't a good sign as thinking often leads to depression. I start thinking about the things that are lacking in my life. Usually it's about money. But this time it's my body.

This is a vicious circle because I start to virtual window shop. I look at blogs and web shops for clothes that would fit me. This is where I start to lose my sense of self.
I subscribe to a number of blogs that are dedicated to fat fashion, and I have a number of plus size clothing stores on my bookmarks list that I frequent. I may not be able to afford to buy clothes but I have a pretty vivid imagination.

I've been noticing the more that I've looked at these sites, the more my self confidence has waned. Well, that and the fact that I can't take a decent head shot of myself to save my life.

2009. I like that the only time I allow a full body
shot is when I'm in costume.
(That tutu is my favorite costume piece and
also the most unflattering)

These women look amazing in their clothes. Even the average blog owner who shops at thrift stores and models for her blog readers.... they all look amazing in their clothes.
I have a friend that is a great plus model and she always looks amazing in her clothes. Why am I the odd fat girl that looks like a frump?

Whenever I take photos of myself in clothing, I look terrible. My clothing and body are lumpy, my face is fat and bland.

2006. See a trend?

It made me start to envy the people who've taken the easy way out and resorted to surgery to lose weight. And this made me very angry. Yes, I considered some sort of WLS in the past, but I can't bring myself to even look into it because I know that if I were stricter about my activity levels, I'd be fine. But when I get in a rut, I find myself staring out a window, instead of taking the dog for a walk.

Would I feel better if I weighed less? Would I look better in my clothing? Have I always felt this badly about my body and my clothes, even when I was thinner? Yes and yes. But I'm sure I'd probably find something else that I didn't like about myself.

1997. At my "average weight" but, still in costume.

See, I can't always be the "LOVE YOURSELF" totem queen. Because I don't always love myself. Actually, one of the purposes of my thesis is to help me accept my own body.

I'm not loaded with self loathing. I love me. I just wish I could settle on a version of me that I loved completely.

2001. My favorite Halloween costume.
Also allowed a behind shot too. I
think this was because I was so proud
of the costume I made.

I've lost weight, don't get me wrong, and it's not really a weight issue, it's a body issue. I don't want to envy any woman. I don't want to envy a fat girl in super clothes. I don't want to envy someone who's losing weight out of vanity. I don't want to envy anyone. I want to love me wholly.
....... I hate feeling ugly.

Some days I have it, some days I don't. It's just been one of "those" months.

My short term goal is to take a full-body photo of me every week. Maybe that would help. Because it seems that the only full-body images I have of myself are in costume. I'm sure that's a cry for some psychological help, but being dressed up and with makeup on is just like wearing a mask. People don't see the "real" you because you're wearing a costume.

2010. Clowning.

Time to break out of that and photograph me, as I am, in real life. I think if I see more of myself I can learn to love all of me. Hey, maybe since I'm on that road, I can get to the point where I can photograph and paint myself naked. Since my ultimate goal is to do a naked bike ride and all.

Halloween 2010. (From a previous post)


  1. Having a very similar body type, I can completely identify with everything you've said here and I applaud your courage and honesty to speak out and own up to this feeling. I've been a heavier girl for most of my life and frankly I am tired of thinking about how great/different things will be "when I finally lose this weight." I am like you. I want to love myself NOW. I may lose weight I might not but my self worth should not be dependent on that factor. What matters is being comfortable in my own skin, feeling beautiful on good days and bad days.

    I think you are gorgeous and you should never feel otherwise. :) Also, your costumes were LOVELY!

  2. Amen!! I think it's the best way to go. I think learning to accept and love yourself is key to losing weight. I want to do it for the right reasons. Not because I hate my arms... or whatever.

    Thank you!!!