I was scared. Not nervous. Physically frightened. It was the unknown. The not knowing what was supposed to come next, what was expected of me, made me disassociate and want to melt into the floor.
When I was called to the front of the class, I mustered up enough false confidence to get me through my presentation. I hate public speaking. I hate talking about my art. (Way to go, art school loser).
It's not the talking about my work that I hate. It's the pretentious air I have to fake to push through.
While I'm on it. I HATE the word "Juxtapose". There I said it. I'm in art school, and I hate that word with a firey passion. Teachers and students alike use this word because it makes them sound smart. Find another word that works, like say, contrast. Mix. Different. Lets bust out the thesaurus and see if there is something else we can use that will differentiate you from all the other pretentious folks out there.
Anyhow, I mustered my strength, and projected my voice to the back of the room. (We know my loud ass doesn't have an issue with this). I read from my notes, clicked through my slides, and was done. I have to say, I really thought my slides weren't up to muster.
But they were. Absolutely. I had everything laid out the way they were supposed to be, I talked about what I was supposed to, and was done. I did better than I ever thought I could! I won't say it was perfect, because it wasn't. I have things I need to change, and edit. I need to talk more about WHY I'm doing this project, which is the hard part for me. Why? WHY!? Why do I make art?!
Anyhow, I was surprised. I was expecting to be shot down immediately, and wasn't. The instructor said my presentation was good. I think. I don't remember the words he used, but they were of a positive variety.
I'm not gloating, there's nothing to gloat about. But it is an affirmation that I'm moving in the right direction and that I was doing the right thing while I was stressing. Now, if I can get over being nervous and talk more about my work, then I'll be in good shape.
Then, last night, I popped into a class I was making up, and another student commented on how good my slides were. REALLY?! One of my peers thinks I did a good job? This meant more to me than any teacher comment could. I don't take compliments well, I'm always afraid that my "thank you" will come across as snobby or crass. I also don't like being told that I'm good or doing well in front of other people (especially peers) because I think it makes me look snobby. I'm not. I'm insecure. But I will take the compliments to heart and keep on truckin'.