This is my revolution

This is my creativespace. It's meant to be messy.

After many conversations, and contemplating, I realized how much it pains me to see women degrading themselves. I'm not going to preach about it. I'm not going to lecture you about it.

I just want to see YOU celebrating the awesomeness that is YOU.

"Fuck Society" sure. "Fuck Self Hate" YES!

This is where YOU come in.

It's time we stopped posting images of other women, and start taking ourselves seriously. No one body is better than the other. No one body is more beautiful than the other.

WE are real women.

WE are fat, skinny, curvy, rail-thin, average and everything in between. We have knobby knees, jiggly arms, freckles, scars, bony fingers, pudgy fingers, curly, unruly hair. We have different faces, and different bodies, and the most amazing thing, the beauty of diversity is being lost in petty and senseless finger pointing and shaming.

WE need to stop looking to women of TV, movies, magazines and other media to compare our bodies to.

WE ARE real women. YOU are a REAL WOMAN.

FUCK SOCIETY, be happy with YOUR body.

Don't just take one day to love your body, spend the remainder of your years on this rock loving your body.

I know I'm opening myself up to all the small-minded folks who revel in making fun of other people. But so be it. If it makes you feel better to belittle someone based on how they look, then I'm glad that I could accommodate. Take time out of your life to focus energy on me and not realize that all you're doing is showing how tiny and insignificant you are. I love me, it's sad that you don't love you.

Just say NO to unnecessary comparisons!

Start a Revolution, Love Your Own Body

A picture has been floating around Facebook for a little while. It shows Marilyn Monroe and various wording floating around her grinning face. The words say something like "Fuck Society" and "This is real beauty" or  "This is more attractive than this" with a photo of a very thin woman.

While there is great positive energy behind the movement, I don't see women taking the time to think about the things they're saying. Women use Marilyn as an icon of beauty to rebel against modern standards. The "ideal" by today's standards is a body that encompasses what is typically considered the unattainable. If the perfect body were easy to achieve, then it wouldn't be the "ideal". Also, the ideal is highly subjective. Like I've said 100 times before, what I find beautiful, may not be appealing to my neighbor. The media will try to tell you that you have to conform to standards set in magazines and television ads. Other women might even tell you that you have to conform to these standards. Marilyn, while gorgeous, isn't telling you to not conform to media standards.

Forwarding an image of a 60's sex symbol doesn't promote an ideal source of beauty. Marilyn was "average" (in body size) for her time period. Curvy, full-busted, blonde. She adhered to what Hollywood was selling. She was as real and "normal" as any Hollywood actress is today.

Comparing a dated photo of a woman who was conforming to Hollywood standards 40+ years ago to women who are conforming to modern-day standards doesn't make any sense. Why don't we start posting photos of ourselves and saying "Fuck Society, I'm happy with the way I look"?

I want to see photos of flawed (normal) women saying they love themselves. To hell what everyone else wants to see. Flaunt your jiggly thighs! Revel in your lunch lady arms! (I'd love to). Dace with your knobby knees out and celebrate your body. Fat AND thin.
Tell the world that you don't conform!
Fuck society!

I'm sure there are those that would prefer the zombie, but you get my point.
Comparing images of two opposing subjects, eras, or viewpoints doesn't promote body acceptance.
Rebel! Forward images of yourself!

Start a revolution, love your body.
As hard as it is, and with as many setbacks as I've had, I love more about "me" today than I have in my short 35 years than I ever have.

I nabbed this from someone else's blog because I completely agree with the big red "x".
It's all subjective, my dears.

My confession update

So I scoured all the nooks and crannies of my hard drive to see if I actually had some full body shots. And lo and behold. I DO.

I think I'd shoved them out of my mind because I remember taking these to submit to a modeling site and I was so disappointed with how they looked, I just didn't do it.
I should have asked my roommate at the time to take some, but I was traumatized.

So, I DO have some full body shots that aren't in costume. But VERY VERY few, and these four photos were the beginning of a snowball of shame that I have to stop NOW.

I hate this one more than I can say..
But, it's here.

Then I found some I took soon after in a corset and skirt I had made. I was proud of this accomplishment because I'm far from a seamstress (I just read instructions well). I tried to angle my chubby face, to no avail. These next three photos are still a bit on the costume-y side, but less so because this is my "club" wear.

This is the better of the three. Taken shortly
after I'd made the corset and skirt and long
before the previous photos.

Then I started realizing that I had one silly one from my last job. See, so I don't have to be in full costume like my previous post and the other four photos in this post.

My Confession

Here I am, sitting in between coats of paint thinking.

This isn't a good sign as thinking often leads to depression. I start thinking about the things that are lacking in my life. Usually it's about money. But this time it's my body.

This is a vicious circle because I start to virtual window shop. I look at blogs and web shops for clothes that would fit me. This is where I start to lose my sense of self.
I subscribe to a number of blogs that are dedicated to fat fashion, and I have a number of plus size clothing stores on my bookmarks list that I frequent. I may not be able to afford to buy clothes but I have a pretty vivid imagination.

I've been noticing the more that I've looked at these sites, the more my self confidence has waned. Well, that and the fact that I can't take a decent head shot of myself to save my life.

2009. I like that the only time I allow a full body
shot is when I'm in costume.
(That tutu is my favorite costume piece and
also the most unflattering)

These women look amazing in their clothes. Even the average blog owner who shops at thrift stores and models for her blog readers.... they all look amazing in their clothes.
I have a friend that is a great plus model and she always looks amazing in her clothes. Why am I the odd fat girl that looks like a frump?

Whenever I take photos of myself in clothing, I look terrible. My clothing and body are lumpy, my face is fat and bland.

2006. See a trend?

It made me start to envy the people who've taken the easy way out and resorted to surgery to lose weight. And this made me very angry. Yes, I considered some sort of WLS in the past, but I can't bring myself to even look into it because I know that if I were stricter about my activity levels, I'd be fine. But when I get in a rut, I find myself staring out a window, instead of taking the dog for a walk.

Would I feel better if I weighed less? Would I look better in my clothing? Have I always felt this badly about my body and my clothes, even when I was thinner? Yes and yes. But I'm sure I'd probably find something else that I didn't like about myself.

1997. At my "average weight" but, still in costume.

See, I can't always be the "LOVE YOURSELF" totem queen. Because I don't always love myself. Actually, one of the purposes of my thesis is to help me accept my own body.

I'm not loaded with self loathing. I love me. I just wish I could settle on a version of me that I loved completely.

2001. My favorite Halloween costume.

Also allowed a behind shot too. I
think this was because I was so proud
of the costume I made.

I've lost weight, don't get me wrong, and it's not really a weight issue, it's a body issue. I don't want to envy any woman. I don't want to envy a fat girl in super clothes. I don't want to envy someone who's losing weight out of vanity. I don't want to envy anyone. I want to love me wholly.
....... I hate feeling ugly.

Some days I have it, some days I don't. It's just been one of "those" months.

My short term goal is to take a full-body photo of me every week. Maybe that would help. Because it seems that the only full-body images I have of myself are in costume. I'm sure that's a cry for some psychological help, but being dressed up and with makeup on is just like wearing a mask. People don't see the "real" you because you're wearing a costume.

2010. Clowning.

Time to break out of that and photograph me, as I am, in real life. I think if I see more of myself I can learn to love all of me. Hey, maybe since I'm on that road, I can get to the point where I can photograph and paint myself naked. Since my ultimate goal is to do a naked bike ride and all.

Halloween 2010. (From a previous post)