This is my revolution

This is my creativespace. It's meant to be messy.

After many conversations, and contemplating, I realized how much it pains me to see women degrading themselves. I'm not going to preach about it. I'm not going to lecture you about it.

I just want to see YOU celebrating the awesomeness that is YOU.

"Fuck Society" sure. "Fuck Self Hate" YES!

This is where YOU come in.

It's time we stopped posting images of other women, and start taking ourselves seriously. No one body is better than the other. No one body is more beautiful than the other.

WE are real women.

WE are fat, skinny, curvy, rail-thin, average and everything in between. We have knobby knees, jiggly arms, freckles, scars, bony fingers, pudgy fingers, curly, unruly hair. We have different faces, and different bodies, and the most amazing thing, the beauty of diversity is being lost in petty and senseless finger pointing and shaming.

WE need to stop looking to women of TV, movies, magazines and other media to compare our bodies to.

WE ARE real women. YOU are a REAL WOMAN.

FUCK SOCIETY, be happy with YOUR body.

Don't just take one day to love your body, spend the remainder of your years on this rock loving your body.

I know I'm opening myself up to all the small-minded folks who revel in making fun of other people. But so be it. If it makes you feel better to belittle someone based on how they look, then I'm glad that I could accommodate. Take time out of your life to focus energy on me and not realize that all you're doing is showing how tiny and insignificant you are. I love me, it's sad that you don't love you.

Just say NO to unnecessary comparisons!

Start a Revolution, Love Your Own Body

A picture has been floating around Facebook for a little while. It shows Marilyn Monroe and various wording floating around her grinning face. The words say something like "Fuck Society" and "This is real beauty" or  "This is more attractive than this" with a photo of a very thin woman.

While there is great positive energy behind the movement, I don't see women taking the time to think about the things they're saying. Women use Marilyn as an icon of beauty to rebel against modern standards. The "ideal" by today's standards is a body that encompasses what is typically considered the unattainable. If the perfect body were easy to achieve, then it wouldn't be the "ideal". Also, the ideal is highly subjective. Like I've said 100 times before, what I find beautiful, may not be appealing to my neighbor. The media will try to tell you that you have to conform to standards set in magazines and television ads. Other women might even tell you that you have to conform to these standards. Marilyn, while gorgeous, isn't telling you to not conform to media standards.

Forwarding an image of a 60's sex symbol doesn't promote an ideal source of beauty. Marilyn was "average" (in body size) for her time period. Curvy, full-busted, blonde. She adhered to what Hollywood was selling. She was as real and "normal" as any Hollywood actress is today.

Comparing a dated photo of a woman who was conforming to Hollywood standards 40+ years ago to women who are conforming to modern-day standards doesn't make any sense. Why don't we start posting photos of ourselves and saying "Fuck Society, I'm happy with the way I look"?

I want to see photos of flawed (normal) women saying they love themselves. To hell what everyone else wants to see. Flaunt your jiggly thighs! Revel in your lunch lady arms! (I'd love to). Dace with your knobby knees out and celebrate your body. Fat AND thin.
Tell the world that you don't conform!
Fuck society!

I'm sure there are those that would prefer the zombie, but you get my point.
Comparing images of two opposing subjects, eras, or viewpoints doesn't promote body acceptance.
Rebel! Forward images of yourself!

Start a revolution, love your body.
As hard as it is, and with as many setbacks as I've had, I love more about "me" today than I have in my short 35 years than I ever have.

I nabbed this from someone else's blog because I completely agree with the big red "x".
It's all subjective, my dears.

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and 3 that do

A while ago (yes, I've been meaning to write this for over a month) there was a photo circulating Facebook of an ad for The Body Shop that an image of a plus-sized doll named Ruby. 
The "Love Your Body" campaign started in the late 90's depicting an ample, curvy woman rebelling against cosmetic corporations unrealistic beauty standards. 

Ruby challenged the notion that every woman has to be thin to be beautiful. This campaign is obviously intriguing for me because it touches on the same ideas of my thesis. While the process of my thesis is over, the message is not. I'm not done saying what I have to say.


Posters and ads were hung all over Body Shop's across the world, in train stations, shop windows, magazines. And then along comes Mattel, the maker of the oft imitated Barbie™ who in some way had to think that The Body Shop was trying to nose its way into their market, or in some way, making fun of their disproportionate doll and served The Body Shop with a cease and disist order.


What's wrong Mattel? Afraid that women would be tempted to follow in Ruby's footsteps and accept themselves as they are and stop paying for painful and expensive surgeries to emulate a doll that couldn't possibly stand on her own? Afraid that there might actually be a market for a beautiful, amply-proportioned doll? Is there a remote possibility that The Body Shop may have been mocking your own standards of beauty?


I'd actually love to see a diverse shape of dolls on the shelves. Young girls need to see that there are more body shapes in the world. It's as simple as making a mold and pouring plastic into it. I'd love to take this on. Hey, anyone out there a multi-millionaire and want to back a project with me? If you don't want to think that dolls have an effect on girls' psyches, than agree with the visual aesthetics of looking at dolls that all look different than each other? I remember when I played with Barbie I used to think they all looked exactly the same and just had different hair colors. I wasn't overly influenced by their body shapes because I was too busy pulling their heads off, cutting the hair into wild styles and putting on plays in my closet set as the stage.


It's about time that corporate America stops thinking about its bottom line and image, and how their influence affects the rest of us. Ruby's legacy was over ten years ago, and if Mattel gets their way, there will not be another Ruby, from anyone.

For now, I've got my super secret project.




-----------------------
One of my references was from this page, whose author is much more eloquent than I am. 

Did she just say that?!

Did Ellen Degeneres JUST tell me "Inner beauty is important, but not nearly as important as outer beauty"?!

Even meant as a joke, it's a poor way to address beauty standards. Of all people, I would have expected something more from her. There's a way to make something that sounds so ludicrous into a joke, and I didn't see it.

I'm a big fan of sarcasm, and if there was any way that sarcasm was supposed to be in this commercial, it was lost in editing.

Where do we go from here?

My thesis is over.... For the time being. But it's not dead. It will live on with the expansion of this blog (what the world needs is more active and updated body acceptance blogs) and with a book project that I'm in the process of planning.

No, I'm not in the stages of penning a memoir. I don't have a captivating story that anyone wants to read. But I'm not really going to share the nature of this project with anyone (outside of what I said in my thesis defense) until I have more of it planned out and created. Thankfully, there's kickstarter.com. I'm going to try my hand at raising some funds so that I can get my book printed.

Aside from that, IT'S DONE!! I thought that I would fall on my face, and die. But I didn't. It was very unnerving and although, I thought I knew my notes, I felt like I was so nervous that I had to rely on them more than I cared to.
I had a small group, but that's ok, because there were people there that I care about and who cared about my project. I'm not used to having such caring people actually give a shit about what I'm doing and I can't even come up with the right words to express exactly how awesome that makes me feel.

I got to see how my project touched people. And I could have failed my thesis and had to start over and even if that happened, knowing that I touched people, my thesis would have still been successful. I don't care if it sounds too "lollipop and sunshine" but the reason I did this project was to reach out to EVERYONE and especially women who've been tormented. Us fatties aren't the only ones who get taunted and jeered at. And we all need to accept this, and we all need to accept that we are different and beautiful and spending time pointing out that someone's too fat, or someone's too skinny is just a waste of energy. There are so many more beautiful things that we could be doing!
So go shove your "real women have curves" line of insecurity and throw using "fat" as a lame insult out the window. Say something nice to someone that doesn't have anything to do with their size for once. Compliment their radiant smile, or their gorgeous eyes, rapturing personalities, amazing talent! Look, at all the other more positive adjectives you can use. I helped you out.

I nabbed a photo of my presentation from my friend Christy, who was there with her family to support me. Another thing that gets me, is that NO ONE had to come to this presentation. But they did. Students, strangers and friends. WOW!

Pretty dolls all in a row

I might have some more images coming that I'll share with you next week. But right now, the birds are chirping, the sky is finally blue and it's over 48 degrees. I've spent the last several months tethered to my desk. I'm taking my pup and am going to soak up some vitamin D.

Stay in touch.

Color Me Confused

I love clothes (see last post). I have some clothing companies on my Facebook page. I like seeing what's out there, especially for companies that make plus-sized clothing.

Imagine my confusion when I looked at my news feed and saw one City Chic's posts about body slimmers, or shapewear. I like having this company on my feed because they normally post links to amazing blogs about body acceptance and plus sized models, etc.
But, check this out:

Now help me figure this out, because I'm a little confused.
What about squeezing into shapewear is celebrating and EMBRACING your body? I'm a little dense at times, but one would think that by squeezing your fat and curves into underclothes that mask, flatten and mould your body into acceptable shapes (acceptable by social standards) would be HIDING your body, and not accepting it for what it is naturally. I know I'm far from wanting to embrace anything when I spend 30 minutes trying to get my ass into Spanx, that's for sure.

But that's just me.

Help me find a common ground here before I make a rude comment on this post.

Oh, and *DING* *DING* *DING* we have a winner for catch phrase of the century. Can you guess what it is?!

Yep: "Real Women".

I didn't think it would be so hard

My respect for plus-sized models has increased 1,000 percent. I love women that can come out and shout about how great they feel, no matter what size they are, and wear bikinis in public. Wear skimpy dresses and hold their heads up high, dimply butts smiling gloriously at the world.
I feel silly even admitting to this, but I am a coward. With a capital, illuminated C.

The last couple of posts, I excitedly boasted that I was going to take full-length photos of my body to include myself in my thesis final. I was excited and optimistic about this process. "This is what's going to make this project personal for me." I couldn't think of a better way to promote body happiness than to throw myself into the fire so to speak.

I subconsciously put it off for a while, procrastinating. I realize now, why.

I have a great setup. A trusty tripod, a neat-o remote for my camera and I had the bathroom all to myself. I really should jury-rigged some sort of lighting setup, but I just wanted to get it done.

You'd think that I was parading down Main street in my panties the way I hemmed and hawed getting the camera set up. But then I jumped in, empowered suddenly.

After a few minutes and about 5 images, I reviewed the images on the screen of my camera. I was mortified.

"Ok, I can do this!" and had some fun with it. I made goofy faces, did silly poses. No biggie. If I have fun with this, I can take great photos.

I finished up and took the camera to my computer to start uploading images. But I hesitated plugging it in. Realization hit me that I wasn't really ready to see them. From what I saw on my camera's screen, my double chin, my lumpy thighs, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I sat in my chair and tears welled up in my eyes, painfully.

My boyfriend, who loves me unconditionally, lumpy thighs, double chin, flabby arms and all, looked up from his game curious as to why my mood went from bubbly to dark in the span of 20 minutes. There's nothing I can tell him that would be a significant reason for me to be so heartbroken like I am.

It wasn't the photos, per se. I know I'm fat. I see it in the mirror when I get around in the morning, I see it in my reflection when I pass a window. I see it in photos that I take with friends. I'm not ignorant of the fact that I have a fat ass. I think it was allowing myself to be vulnerable.

You're open and honest when you take photos in your underwear. You can't hide behind a baggy skirt, or a long shirt. You're THERE. I think when I see myself in the morning, I can't see past the bathroom counter which cuts my body off at the waist/crotch. I look at my hair and my face and go about my day.
I think the most honest thing that I learned today, was that I have not come as far as I thought. I'm not as "OK" with my body as I've tricked myself into thinking. This is why I cried, and this is why I'm still crying. I let myself down. I want to love me WHOLLY. Not partially.

I love me as an individual. I love that I like to watch people who are passionate about their lives, I love that I love animals, I love that I like to make funny noises and goof off and not act my age. I love that I'm compassionate and want people to like me. I love that I laugh at the ridiculous, I love my sense of humor. I love so much about me that I'm so disappointed that I don't love my body like EVERYONE SHOULD.

It'll come, I'm sure. I hope.
But right now, I'm devastated that I let myself down. I'm disappointed that I'm afraid to continue to sift through these images to find the right one to draw. But I'll stick my chin up and do it anyway. My mom wouldn't have it any other way.

You don't get to see the lower half.... YET!

Altering

I had a shower "ah-ha!" moment a week or so ago.

I've decided the best way to make this a personal project is to alter my thesis statement to include my body shape: pear. And when I say that I want to include my body shape, I want to include me.

Why not complete the journey to acceptance by including a doll of me? To be brave and photograph myself in my underwear and then create a doll to match and have hundreds of people see it? You can't be forced to be "out there" than that.

I'm more excited to get it started that I am frightened at the fact that people are going to see my big ass in my underwear. Talk about exposure!

But I think it's mostly a catharsis. I can't be the voice of women to love themselves if I'm not wiling to get out there and do it myself. Since I'm in a constant struggle to love and accept who I am and what I look like, I think it's a great way to get the ball rolling. "This is me. Take me for who I am" isn't just part of my thesis statement for women, it is for me as well.

I know it's been many posts back since I've shared my doll concept, I'm going to post the mock-up and encourage any new readers to read the excerpt from my thesis proposal at the right, and even download my thesis proposal from the link (on the right as well).

Digital mockup of what my finalized
dolls will look like (only different
body shapes)

My confession update

So I scoured all the nooks and crannies of my hard drive to see if I actually had some full body shots. And lo and behold. I DO.

I think I'd shoved them out of my mind because I remember taking these to submit to a modeling site and I was so disappointed with how they looked, I just didn't do it.
I should have asked my roommate at the time to take some, but I was traumatized.

So, I DO have some full body shots that aren't in costume. But VERY VERY few, and these four photos were the beginning of a snowball of shame that I have to stop NOW.

I hate this one more than I can say..
But, it's here.

Then I found some I took soon after in a corset and skirt I had made. I was proud of this accomplishment because I'm far from a seamstress (I just read instructions well). I tried to angle my chubby face, to no avail. These next three photos are still a bit on the costume-y side, but less so because this is my "club" wear.

This is the better of the three. Taken shortly
after I'd made the corset and skirt and long
before the previous photos.

Then I started realizing that I had one silly one from my last job. See, so I don't have to be in full costume like my previous post and the other four photos in this post.

My Confession

Here I am, sitting in between coats of paint thinking.

This isn't a good sign as thinking often leads to depression. I start thinking about the things that are lacking in my life. Usually it's about money. But this time it's my body.

This is a vicious circle because I start to virtual window shop. I look at blogs and web shops for clothes that would fit me. This is where I start to lose my sense of self.
I subscribe to a number of blogs that are dedicated to fat fashion, and I have a number of plus size clothing stores on my bookmarks list that I frequent. I may not be able to afford to buy clothes but I have a pretty vivid imagination.

I've been noticing the more that I've looked at these sites, the more my self confidence has waned. Well, that and the fact that I can't take a decent head shot of myself to save my life.

2009. I like that the only time I allow a full body
shot is when I'm in costume.
(That tutu is my favorite costume piece and
also the most unflattering)

These women look amazing in their clothes. Even the average blog owner who shops at thrift stores and models for her blog readers.... they all look amazing in their clothes.
I have a friend that is a great plus model and she always looks amazing in her clothes. Why am I the odd fat girl that looks like a frump?

Whenever I take photos of myself in clothing, I look terrible. My clothing and body are lumpy, my face is fat and bland.

2006. See a trend?

It made me start to envy the people who've taken the easy way out and resorted to surgery to lose weight. And this made me very angry. Yes, I considered some sort of WLS in the past, but I can't bring myself to even look into it because I know that if I were stricter about my activity levels, I'd be fine. But when I get in a rut, I find myself staring out a window, instead of taking the dog for a walk.

Would I feel better if I weighed less? Would I look better in my clothing? Have I always felt this badly about my body and my clothes, even when I was thinner? Yes and yes. But I'm sure I'd probably find something else that I didn't like about myself.

1997. At my "average weight" but, still in costume.

See, I can't always be the "LOVE YOURSELF" totem queen. Because I don't always love myself. Actually, one of the purposes of my thesis is to help me accept my own body.

I'm not loaded with self loathing. I love me. I just wish I could settle on a version of me that I loved completely.

2001. My favorite Halloween costume.

Also allowed a behind shot too. I
think this was because I was so proud
of the costume I made.

I've lost weight, don't get me wrong, and it's not really a weight issue, it's a body issue. I don't want to envy any woman. I don't want to envy a fat girl in super clothes. I don't want to envy someone who's losing weight out of vanity. I don't want to envy anyone. I want to love me wholly.
....... I hate feeling ugly.

Some days I have it, some days I don't. It's just been one of "those" months.

My short term goal is to take a full-body photo of me every week. Maybe that would help. Because it seems that the only full-body images I have of myself are in costume. I'm sure that's a cry for some psychological help, but being dressed up and with makeup on is just like wearing a mask. People don't see the "real" you because you're wearing a costume.

2010. Clowning.

Time to break out of that and photograph me, as I am, in real life. I think if I see more of myself I can learn to love all of me. Hey, maybe since I'm on that road, I can get to the point where I can photograph and paint myself naked. Since my ultimate goal is to do a naked bike ride and all.

Halloween 2010. (From a previous post)