Not Fat Enough

It's whispered in hushed tones, it's laughed about in school yards. Adults taunt and mock each other about it.

It's FAT.

While I'm not wholly focused on FA (Fat Acceptance for those in the know), I can only really speak from this side of the coin because I've spent the last 7 or so years as the person you see before you. I've never been skinny, per se. My average weight in high school was 150 pounds. I think that's a lovely weight. Even then I was teased for being fat. I just wasn't good enough.

High School 1994

Fast forward to who I am today. Probably 100 pounds heavier, for whatever reasons, my lifestyle changed. I'm not going to live in the past that created how I look today, only work to make myself better from the inside out. And heaven knows, I need to be a lot healthier. Inside and out.

On the same token, for the past several years, while watching absurd diet commercials and collecting images of insanely stupid weight loss ads, I found women who were like me. Who thought society was a bit daft when it came to size acceptance.  I started reading blogs about FA and commenting and talking to other women. But never really felt accepted in the movement. Yeah, I'm used to being "the fat friend" and being teased about my looks. But I've also been told "you're not THAT fat" or "You're not like me". While I've gained a bit in the last two years, I'm still way above what society deems appropriate.

What's wrong with me? 

Nothing.

I was being the victim of what some of these women were accusing other people of being. I was being ignored and looked down upon because I wasn't a size 24, 26 or larger. I wasn't fat enough. Although, I don't participate in these discussions as much as I'd love to (and should), I still see it.

Jenn of today with an insanely adorable baby pigmy goat.

Look ladies. We've had a pretty tough climb to get where we're at today. As women, we still have a bit of mud to trudge through. The last thing we need is to be hateful to each other based on our size. Whether we're too skinny, too fat, not skinny enough, or not fat enough. I've been shamed, I've been bullied, I've been humiliated. Just like a lot of you! It's ridiculous to ridicule me because you think I can't sympathize with you!

Recently I made sort of a ranty comment on a link to a blog post about the author accepting her body at her size that a friend of mine posted on Facebook  (I'll pat myself on the shoulder for my self-righteous attitude right now though). There were some comments made about how the author didn't look "fat" and it chapped my pasty hide.

"Is there a chart where someone can show me what fat looks like? You're not fat if you're over a certain size? Under a certain size?If you compare her to say, what the media says we should look like, yeah, she's fat. If she self-identifies as fat, good for her."

I don't have a lot to follow that up with, but it annoys me that someone's credibility has to relate to how big (or not) their ass is. Take me at my word, not my pant size!

On to the creative crap!

Looking through the images for my own doll image wasn't as Earth shattering as I was hoping it would be. Did I say hoping? Drama Queen. I was still slightly bothered to have to stare at my dimply buns for a long period of time.

I stared at my meaty nay, fat thighs for hours trying to decide which image I was going to use. I wasn't so traumatized by my arms which is weird because I don't wear tank tops or skimpy dresses just for that fact. It was my thighs. The main thing that I was focused on was to keep the negative self-talk to a minimum. I am not here for that, I'm here to make art!

The five faces of Jenn. (And her fat arms)

I'm not telling what image I used, you're just going to have to wait. And stare in amazement at my lovely arms!

I want to share my ROUGH sketches and mockups. Because that's what we're here for... the creative porn. (I wonder how this is going to show up in Google searches).

Doll roughs. Not meant to be a aesthetic reproduction of
the final. I blurred the names of my models (save for me)
to protect their privacy.

Just a quick and ugly idea of what I'm working on.

A rough idea of how they're going to be installed.

I'm hoping create a stand of some sort that's going to sit on the ground in front of the hanging vintage ads. This idea is far better than my original, where I had the dolls mounted inside the frames. This had my panel concerned that my idea wasn't very apparent.

Hard to tell, but I'm working things out visually. How
I'm going to mount the vintage ads, how I'm going to
display my dolls, what size wood to use.

That's about it for now. I promise the next update won't be so lengthy and opinionated. Ok, I can't promise.  But I hope that there is more art and less opinion.

But finally, I really want to thank the people who've offered to model for me. Even if I don't use you all, I'm so appreciative of the support that you've offered. It's hard to get people to allow themselves to be photographed, let alone in underwear or tight fitting clothes. Trust me, I  know!