Waffling

I've been having a hard time standing my ground about body acceptance. Well, personally.

I want so hard to say LOVE THY SELF and mean it. To be genuine to the movement is very important to me. I'm starting to get cynical about people who are weight-loss addicted. Where there entire world is focused on losing weight and exercise.*

*This is in no way to say that I'm against weight loss and exercise, at all!!!


My problem is this: I want to lose weight and be healthy. While I agree that you can be healthy at any size, I however, am far from healthy. I'm not pre diabetic and my blood pressure is good for my size, so this is good. But my cholesterol is high. This is NOT healthy. My weight fluctuates by 20 pounds on any given month.
Anyway. In the spirit of honesty and full disclosure, I want to lose 100 pounds. This would put me back at my "pre-jerkface" weight. If all 100 pounds happens, great. If 20 pounds happens, awesome!

Don't let this contemplative, sexy pose fool you, I had
a terrible time with self image when I was this age.

I feel like I'm being wishy-washy to the spirit of my thesis.

I don't like the weight I've gained and I don't fit into the clothes I have. While a shopping trip would be spectacular, I just can't afford it right now. While I like the clothes that I have, I just don't like how I look in them. This is where my hypocrisy starts. A line from my thesis is: "I want to explore my own perceptions of body image and open a dialog with viewers about how media influences the way that women perceive themselves. I want to see why some women base their happiness solely on how they look in their clothes and why they compare themselves to the people that they see in the media." I feel like I'm not being true to this statement with my thoughts about my own body. I guess this can change as I work on my project next semester. Because my perceptions will change.... but I feel like wanting to lose weight is undermining my soul.

I look at blogs about weight loss, and congratulate women on dropping 100+ pounds. Then I read blogs about size acceptance and find myself saying "YES! You have it right!" then reading more about women losing weight and feeling badly because I'm thinking negative thoughts about how everyone should learn to love themselves.

Fat girl in a swimsuit, on the internet. And I'm ok with it.

THERE IS A BALANCE!!
There has to be.

I can't continue to torment myself over my weight. I can't make it this life or death matter that I can only see black or white.
I can't berate (albeit quietly) women who are addicted to exercise and weight loss, I can't put women who accept themselves, fat and all, on pedestals. There are negative aspects to letting yourself be unhealthy and not willing to change it, and also negative aspects to being addicted to exercise, there are positive aspects of both!

I'm currently mapping out a plan of action to get healthy, exercise and eat right. While I don't eat much and my portions are usually small, I don't eat enough and this is why I struggle losing weight. Eating once a day, and on the go, is far from healthy.

While I know that I'll never be skinny, I think that being healthy, firmer and happy wherever I end up is what my goal should be. And I am ok with that.