Summary

I was able to pick up a CD with images from my thesis presentation. Thankfully, there weren't any of me speaking. This isn't a horror blog!

I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I tried to psychoanalyze what was making me afraid speaking in public, and the only thing that I could come up with was that I was afraid of messing up. So I started my speech and found that I was reading from my cards too heavily. I couldn't stop myself. I looked up at my panel, and then looked over at an area where there weren't any people. Who was I speaking to?
I was able to break away from the podium, but barely. I think I felt like I needed to hold onto something grounded. Maybe so that I didn't float away? So that I didn't faint?

I had a small group that came to watch me talk. Some were strangers (one woman came up to me to apologize that she was going to have to leave before it was over, but was really excited to see my presentation), there were some friends that came to see my presentation (how cool is that?!) and some classmates (having them there really comforted me). I didn't want a big crowd, and what I had was PERFECT.

The speech was over before I knew it. The entire process was emotional, draining and everything it needed to be. I won't go into details, but I will say this. Everything that happened during my speech, from tears to joy, was everything that I had ever wanted and more. I touched people. And as cynical as I've grown to be,  I was able to reach out and connect with people who've suffered cruelly from others because of their bodies. I never expected to get a reaction, to get people excited for what I was doing. I DID IT! I touched people. What an honor. Seriously.

A week later, and I still don't have the right words to sum up the entire experience. I will sit and write out something a little more eloquent later.

For now, here's a sampling of images of the layout :

(Photos by Heather Zinger)

Did she just say that?!

Did Ellen Degeneres JUST tell me "Inner beauty is important, but not nearly as important as outer beauty"?!

Even meant as a joke, it's a poor way to address beauty standards. Of all people, I would have expected something more from her. There's a way to make something that sounds so ludicrous into a joke, and I didn't see it.

I'm a big fan of sarcasm, and if there was any way that sarcasm was supposed to be in this commercial, it was lost in editing.

Where do we go from here?

My thesis is over.... For the time being. But it's not dead. It will live on with the expansion of this blog (what the world needs is more active and updated body acceptance blogs) and with a book project that I'm in the process of planning.

No, I'm not in the stages of penning a memoir. I don't have a captivating story that anyone wants to read. But I'm not really going to share the nature of this project with anyone (outside of what I said in my thesis defense) until I have more of it planned out and created. Thankfully, there's kickstarter.com. I'm going to try my hand at raising some funds so that I can get my book printed.

Aside from that, IT'S DONE!! I thought that I would fall on my face, and die. But I didn't. It was very unnerving and although, I thought I knew my notes, I felt like I was so nervous that I had to rely on them more than I cared to.
I had a small group, but that's ok, because there were people there that I care about and who cared about my project. I'm not used to having such caring people actually give a shit about what I'm doing and I can't even come up with the right words to express exactly how awesome that makes me feel.

I got to see how my project touched people. And I could have failed my thesis and had to start over and even if that happened, knowing that I touched people, my thesis would have still been successful. I don't care if it sounds too "lollipop and sunshine" but the reason I did this project was to reach out to EVERYONE and especially women who've been tormented. Us fatties aren't the only ones who get taunted and jeered at. And we all need to accept this, and we all need to accept that we are different and beautiful and spending time pointing out that someone's too fat, or someone's too skinny is just a waste of energy. There are so many more beautiful things that we could be doing!
So go shove your "real women have curves" line of insecurity and throw using "fat" as a lame insult out the window. Say something nice to someone that doesn't have anything to do with their size for once. Compliment their radiant smile, or their gorgeous eyes, rapturing personalities, amazing talent! Look, at all the other more positive adjectives you can use. I helped you out.

I nabbed a photo of my presentation from my friend Christy, who was there with her family to support me. Another thing that gets me, is that NO ONE had to come to this presentation. But they did. Students, strangers and friends. WOW!

Pretty dolls all in a row

I might have some more images coming that I'll share with you next week. But right now, the birds are chirping, the sky is finally blue and it's over 48 degrees. I've spent the last several months tethered to my desk. I'm taking my pup and am going to soak up some vitamin D.

Stay in touch.