I didn't think it would be so hard

My respect for plus-sized models has increased 1,000 percent. I love women that can come out and shout about how great they feel, no matter what size they are, and wear bikinis in public. Wear skimpy dresses and hold their heads up high, dimply butts smiling gloriously at the world.
I feel silly even admitting to this, but I am a coward. With a capital, illuminated C.

The last couple of posts, I excitedly boasted that I was going to take full-length photos of my body to include myself in my thesis final. I was excited and optimistic about this process. "This is what's going to make this project personal for me." I couldn't think of a better way to promote body happiness than to throw myself into the fire so to speak.

I subconsciously put it off for a while, procrastinating. I realize now, why.

I have a great setup. A trusty tripod, a neat-o remote for my camera and I had the bathroom all to myself. I really should jury-rigged some sort of lighting setup, but I just wanted to get it done.

You'd think that I was parading down Main street in my panties the way I hemmed and hawed getting the camera set up. But then I jumped in, empowered suddenly.

After a few minutes and about 5 images, I reviewed the images on the screen of my camera. I was mortified.

"Ok, I can do this!" and had some fun with it. I made goofy faces, did silly poses. No biggie. If I have fun with this, I can take great photos.

I finished up and took the camera to my computer to start uploading images. But I hesitated plugging it in. Realization hit me that I wasn't really ready to see them. From what I saw on my camera's screen, my double chin, my lumpy thighs, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I sat in my chair and tears welled up in my eyes, painfully.

My boyfriend, who loves me unconditionally, lumpy thighs, double chin, flabby arms and all, looked up from his game curious as to why my mood went from bubbly to dark in the span of 20 minutes. There's nothing I can tell him that would be a significant reason for me to be so heartbroken like I am.

It wasn't the photos, per se. I know I'm fat. I see it in the mirror when I get around in the morning, I see it in my reflection when I pass a window. I see it in photos that I take with friends. I'm not ignorant of the fact that I have a fat ass. I think it was allowing myself to be vulnerable.

You're open and honest when you take photos in your underwear. You can't hide behind a baggy skirt, or a long shirt. You're THERE. I think when I see myself in the morning, I can't see past the bathroom counter which cuts my body off at the waist/crotch. I look at my hair and my face and go about my day.
I think the most honest thing that I learned today, was that I have not come as far as I thought. I'm not as "OK" with my body as I've tricked myself into thinking. This is why I cried, and this is why I'm still crying. I let myself down. I want to love me WHOLLY. Not partially.

I love me as an individual. I love that I like to watch people who are passionate about their lives, I love that I love animals, I love that I like to make funny noises and goof off and not act my age. I love that I'm compassionate and want people to like me. I love that I laugh at the ridiculous, I love my sense of humor. I love so much about me that I'm so disappointed that I don't love my body like EVERYONE SHOULD.

It'll come, I'm sure. I hope.
But right now, I'm devastated that I let myself down. I'm disappointed that I'm afraid to continue to sift through these images to find the right one to draw. But I'll stick my chin up and do it anyway. My mom wouldn't have it any other way.

You don't get to see the lower half.... YET!

Creative Stuff, coming to a screen near you

Hold on to your pants, boys and girls. New artwork (read:sketches) that pertain to my thesis are on their way.
I just finished shooting my first model and should be photographing myself in the next day or so. Which means mockups for my first couple dolls are on their way!

Altering

I had a shower "ah-ha!" moment a week or so ago.

I've decided the best way to make this a personal project is to alter my thesis statement to include my body shape: pear. And when I say that I want to include my body shape, I want to include me.

Why not complete the journey to acceptance by including a doll of me? To be brave and photograph myself in my underwear and then create a doll to match and have hundreds of people see it? You can't be forced to be "out there" than that.

I'm more excited to get it started that I am frightened at the fact that people are going to see my big ass in my underwear. Talk about exposure!

But I think it's mostly a catharsis. I can't be the voice of women to love themselves if I'm not wiling to get out there and do it myself. Since I'm in a constant struggle to love and accept who I am and what I look like, I think it's a great way to get the ball rolling. "This is me. Take me for who I am" isn't just part of my thesis statement for women, it is for me as well.

I know it's been many posts back since I've shared my doll concept, I'm going to post the mock-up and encourage any new readers to read the excerpt from my thesis proposal at the right, and even download my thesis proposal from the link (on the right as well).

Digital mockup of what my finalized
dolls will look like (only different
body shapes)

Promotion

The underlying motivation for my thesis is to get the word out. I need to promote. But I'm so 1990's when it comes to web promotion that I don't even know where to start. I really need to talk to more blog operators that have giveaways, etc to encourage readers. But that would require having something to give away. Which means that I should have more readers/sponsors, etc. It's a vicious circle.

Although, I do plan to make mini-versions of the dolls I'm creating as give aways. I think those would be a great way to keep my thesis in viewers' minds.

Inspiration

I'm really looking to get motivated into my thesis project. I think not having a "class" where I have to check in on a specific day is really sort of a downer for me.

It's just a test where I have to make sure to be on top of my projects.

Today was just a really bad day altogether.

I realized that the days of my financial independence are gone. I had to close an account that only had $1.95 in it. The other account had $1.65 in it, but Chase figured it would be enough to charge me a fee for not using my ATM card 5 times in one month. Tell me, Chase, what can I buy for $1.65? Nothing. That's why I didn't use it.

I now have to depend on the boyfriend for money. And while he's ok with helping me out. I don't like to take money from anyone, even if it's gladly given. I miss being able to pop by the store if I need something. Or just go on a random shopping trip.

Actually, all of today has been a bad, emotional day for me. Money aside, I just haven't been motivated to do anything but sit on my ass. I know that taking the pooch for a walk would help. I just can't get there.

I found a house for us to buy, that was right at our budget ($150k) and had acreage, secluded, and a shop for me to turn into a studio, but we're just not ready. So  I have to give up momentarily on my search for a house.

I'm in my last semester in school. It's taken me so many years to get here, and it's piling up on top of me. What do I do after this? I'm so scared because I've known for years what to expect. School. Always school. Now..... I have to find work in a field that's so wishy washy, that I'll probably have to work at Wal-Mart until motivation kicks in.

It's just been one of those days.

My confession update

So I scoured all the nooks and crannies of my hard drive to see if I actually had some full body shots. And lo and behold. I DO.

I think I'd shoved them out of my mind because I remember taking these to submit to a modeling site and I was so disappointed with how they looked, I just didn't do it.
I should have asked my roommate at the time to take some, but I was traumatized.

So, I DO have some full body shots that aren't in costume. But VERY VERY few, and these four photos were the beginning of a snowball of shame that I have to stop NOW.

I hate this one more than I can say..
But, it's here.

Then I found some I took soon after in a corset and skirt I had made. I was proud of this accomplishment because I'm far from a seamstress (I just read instructions well). I tried to angle my chubby face, to no avail. These next three photos are still a bit on the costume-y side, but less so because this is my "club" wear.

This is the better of the three. Taken shortly
after I'd made the corset and skirt and long
before the previous photos.

Then I started realizing that I had one silly one from my last job. See, so I don't have to be in full costume like my previous post and the other four photos in this post.

My Confession

Here I am, sitting in between coats of paint thinking.

This isn't a good sign as thinking often leads to depression. I start thinking about the things that are lacking in my life. Usually it's about money. But this time it's my body.

This is a vicious circle because I start to virtual window shop. I look at blogs and web shops for clothes that would fit me. This is where I start to lose my sense of self.
I subscribe to a number of blogs that are dedicated to fat fashion, and I have a number of plus size clothing stores on my bookmarks list that I frequent. I may not be able to afford to buy clothes but I have a pretty vivid imagination.

I've been noticing the more that I've looked at these sites, the more my self confidence has waned. Well, that and the fact that I can't take a decent head shot of myself to save my life.

2009. I like that the only time I allow a full body
shot is when I'm in costume.
(That tutu is my favorite costume piece and
also the most unflattering)

These women look amazing in their clothes. Even the average blog owner who shops at thrift stores and models for her blog readers.... they all look amazing in their clothes.
I have a friend that is a great plus model and she always looks amazing in her clothes. Why am I the odd fat girl that looks like a frump?

Whenever I take photos of myself in clothing, I look terrible. My clothing and body are lumpy, my face is fat and bland.

2006. See a trend?

It made me start to envy the people who've taken the easy way out and resorted to surgery to lose weight. And this made me very angry. Yes, I considered some sort of WLS in the past, but I can't bring myself to even look into it because I know that if I were stricter about my activity levels, I'd be fine. But when I get in a rut, I find myself staring out a window, instead of taking the dog for a walk.

Would I feel better if I weighed less? Would I look better in my clothing? Have I always felt this badly about my body and my clothes, even when I was thinner? Yes and yes. But I'm sure I'd probably find something else that I didn't like about myself.

1997. At my "average weight" but, still in costume.

See, I can't always be the "LOVE YOURSELF" totem queen. Because I don't always love myself. Actually, one of the purposes of my thesis is to help me accept my own body.

I'm not loaded with self loathing. I love me. I just wish I could settle on a version of me that I loved completely.

2001. My favorite Halloween costume.

Also allowed a behind shot too. I
think this was because I was so proud
of the costume I made.

I've lost weight, don't get me wrong, and it's not really a weight issue, it's a body issue. I don't want to envy any woman. I don't want to envy a fat girl in super clothes. I don't want to envy someone who's losing weight out of vanity. I don't want to envy anyone. I want to love me wholly.
....... I hate feeling ugly.

Some days I have it, some days I don't. It's just been one of "those" months.

My short term goal is to take a full-body photo of me every week. Maybe that would help. Because it seems that the only full-body images I have of myself are in costume. I'm sure that's a cry for some psychological help, but being dressed up and with makeup on is just like wearing a mask. People don't see the "real" you because you're wearing a costume.

2010. Clowning.

Time to break out of that and photograph me, as I am, in real life. I think if I see more of myself I can learn to love all of me. Hey, maybe since I'm on that road, I can get to the point where I can photograph and paint myself naked. Since my ultimate goal is to do a naked bike ride and all.

Halloween 2010. (From a previous post)